What Do I Have to Do?
by Taryn
Disclaimer: FAKE is the creation of Sanami Matoh and is owned by the creator and BexBoy Comics. The lyrics to the song What Do I Have to Do? (those inside the **'s) belong to Stabbing Westward, which will surprise no one who knows me.
*You make it hard to breathe
It's as if I'm suffocating
And when you're next to me
I can feel your heartbeat through my skin*
Alone… so cold and alone…
Ryo woke from the dream with a start, one hand grabbing blindly for the warmth of the blankets tangled around his waist. He froze, all movement coming to an immediate halt as the hand brushed against the warm velvet softness of bare skin.
Moving very carefully, Ryo pushed himself up on one elbow. Faint light from the street lamps filtering in through the curtained windows cast away the shadows just enough for Ryo to make out Dee's sprawled form next to him in bed. His partner was curled up on his side, dark hair falling forward to completely obscure his features. One arm was thrown carelessly over Ryo's chest.
Ryo shivered slightly, the touch even through his thin shirt enough to replace the phantom cold from his dream with the electric heat that he spent most of his waking hours denying existed.
There wasn't anyone here tonight to protect him. Bikky was staying with Carol; it was the reason he hadn't gone straight home after his shift in the first place. No one would know, would they?
'No one will stop us...'
Suddenly desperate for a glance at his hidden face, Ryo reached out one shaking hand and brushed back Dee's hair. Dee stirred slightly, a small line furrowing his brow as he unconsciously tilted his face into Ryo's touch.
One hand still tangled in the soft dark strands, Ryo leaned down and brushed his lips over Dee's. Dee's eyes shot open, wide and unfocused, blinking rapidly as he stared wordlessly up at Ryo. Ryo smiled slightly at his dumbfounded expression and kissed him again.
This time Dee reacted. Wrapping one arm around Ryo's waist, he pulled the other man down on top of him as the kiss deepened. Ryo ignored Dee's questing hands as he slipped his own under Dee's tank top, running his fingers over the smooth skin of his stomach and chest.
'Warm… so warm…'
He lost track of everything but the rising heat as Dee's heartbeat under his hands sped up in time to match his own.
*It makes me sad to think
This could all be for nothing*
It was the feel of Dee's hand slipping under the waistband of his pants that brought reality back with a crash. His breath caught in his throat and he went completely stiff as panic flooded through him.
Dee stopped immediately, face drawn as he sat up and tried to catch Ryo's retreating hands. "Ryo? What's wrong?"
Ryo shook his head blindly and stumbled out of bed. He couldn't think clearly enough to answer. He just had to get away.
"Ryo!"
Dee's voice held a tint of something he couldn't honestly place. It caught his attention just enough to stop him in the process of yanking on his shoes.
"What?"
"What are you doing?"
"I've got to…" He grabbed his jacket off the chair. "Go. I've got to go."
"Now?" Dee sounded absolutely incredulous.
He nodded, still unable to think past the adrenaline pounding through his head.
"No." Dee shot out of bed and hit the half-open bedroom door hard enough to slam it shut. Ryo reached for it again blindly, but Dee grabbed his arm and yanked him around. "I said no. Damn it, Ryo, why do you keep doing this to me?"
Ryo shook his head and stared at the floor.
The silence that descended seemed charged with Dee's anger, but Ryo couldn't answer. He didn't understand his reasons well enough to explain, assuming there was any explanation at all. Finally Dee spun away. Ryo could see his hands clenched into fists at his sides.
"Fine. If this is all just some kind of game to you, just go home."
Ryo finally forced himself to look up. "No, Dee, it's-"
Dee swung away from him, driving one fist into the wall. "Just-get-out!"
Tears stinging his eyes, Ryo ran.
*I wish there was a way
A way for you to see inside of me
I've never felt this way
About anyone or anything*
He ran blindly for two blocks before dropping down on a sidewalk bench. It wasn't the safest thing to do in the middle of the night, but he honestly hurt too much to care. The look in Dee's eyes-
"If this is all just some kind of game to you…"
-stabbed straight through his heart. Why did he do things like this? Why couldn't he just decide one way or the other?
Swiping at his eyes with his coat sleeve, Ryo leaned back on the bench and stared up at the cloudy sky.
'It's not just a game, Dee. But what if I do love you? What if I give in and everything changes?'
Wrapping his arms around himself to ward off the returning chill, Ryo let his eyes slide shut.
'What if I don't and I lose you forever?'
Deciding which was the worse prospect didn't really take much time at all.
*Tell me
What do I have to do to make you happy?
What do I have to do to make you understand?
What do I have to do to make you want me?
But if I can't make you want me,
What do I have to do?*
Dee stood at his bedroom window, staring out at the dark street in frustrated bewilderment. At times like these he couldn't even remotely fathom the thoughts that went through his partner's head.
'Why in the hell would he wake me up like that if he was just going to completely freak out?'
It wasn't really a fair question. He knew Ryo didn't intentionally plan to do things like this. He just…panicked.
He rubbed the knuckles of his now sore hand absently, resolutely ignoring the remembered feel of Ryo's insistent lips in favor of that blankly terrified look that always seemed to cross his face when things went too far.
'What are you so afraid of, Ryo?'
It had bothered Ryo at first that they were both men, but was that it or was it something else entirely?
'Is that it, or is it that you just don't trust me? How can you possibly not know how I feel about you?'
No matter how much it hurt, Dee was suddenly certain that was exactly what the problem was.
*I know exactly what you're thinking
But I swear this time I will not let you down
I'm not as selfish as I used to be
That was a part of me that never made me proud*
Dee leaned against the cold plaster of the window frame and sighed.
Great. Now what?
"Just-get-out!"
One thing was certain. Losing his temper like that was certainly not the best way to gain Ryo's trust. About the only thing that tactic was likely to accomplish was to push Ryo even further away from him. He was only human, though. He could only take so much. Sometimes everything inside him just snapped.
"Shit."
With a growl of frustration, he snatched a warmer shirt out of the closet. They had to be back at work in another five hours. The very last thing he wanted to be doing was wandering around the cold dark streets in the off chance that he could find his partner.
That wouldn't stop him from doing it, though. No matter what it took, even if it meant he had to spend the next ten years being completely celibate, he was going to convince Ryo that there wasn't anything to be afraid of.
*Right now I think I would try anything
Anything at all to keep you satisfied*
Dee pulled the front door quietly shut behind him and set off down the street, preparing himself to wander all night if necessary.
He didn't have to go very far.
He stopped a block away, staring at the slumped familiar form on the bench. He hadn't expected to find Ryo so quickly and he really didn't know what to do. Cold fear speared through him.
'What if I'm too late? What if I've already lost him?'
Ryo suddenly straightened and stood up. Dee watched mutely as he visibly steeled himself and turned to head back down the street toward Dee's apartment.
Their eyes met over the distance and everything else seemed to fade away.
*God I hope you see
What losing you would do to me
All I want is more one more chance*
Ryo kept his eyes locked with Dee's as he started forward. He stopped a few feet away, panic warring with the calm sense of peace that finally reaching a decision had granted him. Dee was staring at him warily, almost as if he was afraid to move.
"Dee?"
The quiet question shook him awake. "Ryo? I was looking for you."
Ryo nodded. "I was coming back." He hesitated but refused to lower his eyes. "Dee, I'm so sorry. I don't think it's just a game. It's just…" He bit his lip as he tried to vocalize his scattered thoughts.
Dee shook his head. "It's all right, Ryo. It's my fault. I shouldn't have yelled at you like that."
Ryo couldn't have stopped the burst of laughter if he'd wanted to. "Your fault? Not even remotely. I know I drive you crazy. Why do you put up with me?"
"I love you."
The quiet intensity of the statement caught him totally by surprise. "You what?"
Dee sighed. "I love you, Ryo. You mean everything to me. I'm sorry, I just don't want to lose you."
Ryo closed the distance between them in the space of a heartbeat. Wrapping his arms around Dee's neck, he stared up into face with a wry grin. "You're not going to lose me. I'm yours, Dee."
The grin widened as Dee blinked. "What?"
"I'm sorry it took me so long to decide, but I mean it. I love you." He pulled Dee's face down to his and kissed him before he could start to protest.
*Tell me
What do I have to do to make you happy?
What do I have to do to make you understand?
What do I have to do to make you want me?
And if I can't make you want me,
Just tell me…
Tell me…*
Ryo finally pulled away and grabbed Dee's hand, tugging him back down the street. "Come on. Let's go back to bed."
Dee followed obediently, his thoughts whirling too much to come up with more than a few scattered half-formed protests. Rampaging emotions and lack of sleep were making him numb. When they finally reached the apartment, he couldn't do more than kick off his shoes and crawl into bed. Turning his back and burying his face in the pillows, he listened for the rustle of sheets that meant Ryo was climbing into bed beside him.
"Dee?"
Dee took a deep breath and closed his eyes.
"Are you mad at me?"
Giving in, Dee rolled halfway over and looked up into Ryo's frightened face. "No. Just go to sleep." He sighed at the blank incomprehension in his partner's eyes. "Look Ryo, we're both tired and upset, all right? If you still want me tomorrow I'll take you up on it. But not tonight."
'Not tonight. Please I can't handle any more tonight.'
To his surprise, Ryo reached out one hand and brushed it softly across his cheek. "All right, not tonight. I'm not going to change my mind."
Dee smiled slightly in spite of himself. "Can I get that in writing?"
Ryo rolled his eyes. "Go to sleep."
Dee rolled back over and buried himself in the blankets. After a moment of silence Ryo curled up against him, one arm wrapping tightly around Dee's chest. Dee froze in surprise.
Ryo kissed his shoulder and settled back against the pillows. "Go to sleep, Dee. There's always tomorrow."
Dee smiled softly to himself and twined his fingers through Ryo's. If only he could be sure it was true.
*What do I have to do to make you want me?
What do I have to do to make you understand?
What do I have to do to make you love me?
And if I can't make you love me,
Just tell me what do I have to do…
…to forget about you?*
Comments are always appreciated.
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