And the Award Goes to...

by Taryn

This has characters from a whole bunch of anime/manga in it. If you recognize them all then you are *way* too addicted. And I did kind of jokingly paraphrase part of "Black as Love, Sweet as Death" by Kaie Darkstar, but I wouldn't have done that if I didn't seriously love it. Really I wouldn't have. *ducks* Just don't hit me!

Disclaimer: I own no one and nothing. Well, except Relco and the SPCB, but I'm not so sure I should claim those.^^

Oh, yeah. **'s mean a break; --'s are for emphasis, //'s are for video clips, and []'s are for motions. It's probably pretty obvious.


Announcer: Good evening and welcome to this year's exciting annual award presentation for Most Oblivious Character in an Anime Fandom. Here to present tonight's award is last year's winner, Ranma Saotome!

Ranma: [walks onstage in a tux]

Audience: [catcalls and whistles]

Voices from audience: Go Ranma-honey!
Ranma go for date with Shampoo now?
Ranma no baka-

Ranma: [laughing nervously] Yeah, um, hi. I really have no idea why I'm here-

Ryouga: Ranma Saotome, prepare to die!

Ranma: [looking annoyed] Jeez Ryouga, don't you ever give up? Anyway, can we just get on with this? [shuffles papers] Okay, the first nominee for this year's award is Gundam Wing's Relena Peacecraft. Relena received her nomination based on nearly every yaoi 1x2 fanfic ever written.

/video clip/

Relena: [bursting into what looks like a dorm room, or alternatively a cafeteria, cabin, flight deck, Wing Zero…you get the general idea] Heero! I've been looking everywhere for you!

Heero: [ignores Relena, currently being too involved performing unspeakable acts with Duo to care]

Relena: [pokes Heero]: Ne Heero, what are you doing? Giving Duo mouth to mouth? Did he get hurt? [pauses but doesn't seem to notice that no one answers] Heero, you forgot to kill me!

Heero: [coming up for air] Can I?

Duo: [equally breathless] Better not. She is the Queen of the World and all that. Besides, her brother is totally hot.

Heero: Good point. [goes back to ravaging Duo]

Relena: [pulls up a chair and sits down to watch Heero's amazing life-saving abilities]

/end clip/

Relena: My Heero has such a sweet heart under that homicidal exterior. [smiles at Dorothy, who looks slightly ill] The lengths he went to for Duo.

Duo: [snickers]

Heero: [smacks Duo upside the head] Baka.

Ranma: [sweatdropping] Um, yeah. Whatever. Our second nominee comes from a specific fic rather than an entire fandom, namely Voltron's Lance from Kaie Darkstar's "Black as Love, Sweet as Death."

/video clip/

Lance: [looking over a list of names] I wonder who it is?

Pidge: What are you doing?

Lance: Keith has a crush on some guy we graduated with. I'm trying to figure out who it is.

Pidge. Oh. Hey, look, we want to get out of flight practice this afternoon. We have…uh…plans. [glances at Hunk] Anyway, think you could go tell Keith?

Lance: Yeah, sure. He does everything I say. [glances at list] So I wonder who it could be? I bet it's Sven. Maybe if I invite him here…

Pidge: [rolls eyes] Yeah, there you go, Lance. That sounds like a plan.

/end clip/

Lance: What?

Hunk: [sighing] You are so incredibly clueless. He all but drools over you every time you're near him.

Lance: [looks confused] So I shouldn't have invited Sven?

Pidge: [snorting] Moron.

Ranma: You've seen our first two nominees. Now we need to pause for a short break, but don't go anywhere. We'll be right back after this commercial message!


Commercial Announcer: Do you have problems keeping your bishounen at home where he belongs? Is he constantly wandering off and getting lost, distracted, or kidnapped? With Relco's new Invisible Fence for Bishounen (tm), your worries are a thing of the past! Just listen to this customer testimony:

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Chihaya: [from outside] Ouch! Kagetsuya!

Announcer: Keep your bishounen in a carefully regulated confined area with our beautiful jeweled collar, programmable to deliver an electric shock whenever he tries to wander away. End all your problems! Remember to ask for the Bishounen Invisible Fence Collar (tm) by name!


Ranma: [looks thoughtful] Keep him from wandering off, eh? [looks at camera and jumps] Oh! Welcome back! I'd like to turn the next portion of our program over to FAKE's Ryo McLane, who will give a quick rundown of this year's runner-ups. [glances off stage] Excuse me. I'll be right back. [runs for the exit]

Ryo: [wanders out looking adorably confused]

Audience: [falls over with collective nosebleeds]

Ryo: [smiles sweetly] Good evening. I'm here to introduce this year's runner-ups, those who weren't quite oblivious enough to qualify for a nomination. Our runner-ups are:

Youji from Weiss Kruez

/video clip/

Youji: [to every woman who walks into the flower shop] Hey beautiful. Have any plans for tonight?

Omi: I figured out a way to get into that drug warehouse.

Youji: Are there going to be any women involved?

Omi: No. [leans over a flower arrangement]

Youji: [stares blankly at Omi]

Omi: [glancing up] So are you coming along?

Youji: [shakes himself] Oh, what? No, not if there's no women involved.

Ken: Hey guys. [grabs an apron]

Youji: [starts staring at Ken]

/end clip/

Ryo: Hotohori from Fushigi Yugi

/video clip/

Nuriko: [stares longingly at Hotohori]

Hotohori: [stares longingly at Miaka]

Miaka: [continues to eat dinner]

Nuriko: [stares longingly at Hotohori and begins to dance the dance of seven veils]

Hotohori: I love you Miaka.

Nuriko: [hits Hotohori with table]

Hotohori: Oh, Nuriko. I didn't see you there.

/end clip/

Ryo: Izumi from Bronze

/video clip/

Izumi: I don't like you. Why won't you leave me alone?

Koji: [looks appropriately angstful] You don't? I thought maybe we could get together after my concert tonight.

Izumi: Why?

Koji: To have sex, basically.

Izumi: I guess that's all right. Just so long as you understand that I can't stand you and you're ruining my life.

Koji: I can deal with that.

/end clip/

Ryo: And lastly, Recca from Flame of Recca.

/video clip/

Mikagami: That's it, Recca! I fought with you! Why won't you just leave me alone?

Recca: [looking hurt and clueless] If that's what you really want… [leaves with his hime and the rest of his team]

Mikagami: Aaahhh! [screams and hits the wall with his head ]

/end clip/

Ryo: Better luck next year to our runner-ups! We'll be right back with our remaining two nominees after this quick commercial message.


Commercial Announcer: Does your bishounen not even realize you're alive? Is he totally oblivious to your advances? It's time to train those responses right out of him. Using technology based on Pavlov's cutting edge work with dogs, we're pleased to present the newest item in Relco's electroshock therapy line: the Bishounen Training Chip (tm). Just insert the chip under your bishounen's skin while he's otherwise occupied and you're ready to go. Let a mild shock correct that wayward behavior! Relco representatives will be available for questions in the lobby following tonight's award presentation, or you can reach our customer service department at 1-800-bis-houn.


Ranma: [wanders out looking particularly smug and trailed by Ryouga wearing a jeweled collar] One problem solved. Our next two nominees take obliviousness to an entirely new level. Our third nominee is Kai Sagano from the popular yaoi manga series Kizuna.

/video clip/

Kai: [starry eyed] I love you Ranmaru.

Ranmaru: Kai, look. How many times do I have to tell you no?

Kai: I'm so much better for you than my idiot brother.

Enjouji: [smacks Kai over the head with a book] Then how come I'm getting laid and you're not?

Ranmaru: [stomps Enjouji into the floor] That may be changing in the near future.

Masa: [staring worshipfully at Kai from the doorway] Bon, we need to go home.

Kai: [staring worshipfully at Ranmaru] Okay, coming. [points at Enjouji] Don't let him bother you. I'll be back soon to save you!

Ranmaru: [rolls his eyes and goes back to glaring at Enjouji]

/end clip/

Ranmaru: [glares at Enjouji]

Enjouji: Come on, Ran-chan. I said I was sorry.

Kai: [jumping up from the first row the Yakuza bought out for him and waving a kendo sword around] Get away from him! You'll sully my Ranmaru's honor!

Enjouji: [stares at Ranmaru] Are you sure you're not encouraging him?

Ranma: [eyeing Kai's sword and waving for security] Our last nominee for this year's award is the young cop JJ from FAKE. [mutters] Talk about unbelievable.

/video clip/

JJ: [running into room] Dee Sempai! [glomps on Dee]

Dee: Ack! JJ! [tries to push JJ away]

JJ: I love you, Dee Sempai!

Dee: I know. [holds JJ at arm's length and wipes away drool] I think we've covered that.

JJ: Don't you love me too?

Dee: No. I love Ryo.

JJ: You do? [glomps on Dee again] I knew you loved me!

Dee: [stares forlornly at Ryo, who's busy glaring at them both] Help?

/end clip/

JJ: Dee Sempai! [glomps on Dee] Did you see? I'm nominated Dee Sempai!

Dee: Why me?

Ryo: [appearing from backstage with his gun drawn] Get -off- him!

Audience: [facevaults]

Dee: [grinning] You do love me!

Ryo: I do not. I just don't like it when you let people kiss you!

Dee: Even you?

Ryo: Besides me. [claps hand over his mouth and runs off stage, looking horrified]

Dee: I knew it! [runs after Ryo]

JJ: [falls into a starry eyed heap based on the good feel he got while Dee was otherwise distracted]

Ranma: [staring offstage] Next year's winner, ladies and gentlemen. Hey, Ryouga! Will you go get the results envelope for me?

Akane: Have you lost your mind? You'll never see the results if you let him-

Ranma: I've got it covered, Akane. We'll announce the winner, right after this one last commercial break.


Man: [sitting in a dark blue room in an old fashioned chair] We at the SPCB [Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Bishounen appears on bottom of screen] feel that today's broadcast is a travesty. This type of programming encourages the abuse and mistreatment of bishounen everywhere. Electroshock therapy! Imagine! Ushers will soon be coming down your aisle with cans. Please dig deep in your pockets and your hearts. Only together can we make a difference. Thank you.


Jerry Springer: Today on Jerry Springer- bishounen and the bishounen who love them! A show no hentai fan would dare to miss!


[Camera pans back onstage, where cans from the poor SPCB money collectors are being thrown around the room]

Ryouga: [off stage] Ouch! [reappears holding an envelope and rubbing at his collar]

Ranma: [takes envelope and smiles evilly] Thank you, Relco! [opens envelope] All right, this year's winner is… [drumroll] …Lance from Voltron!

Keith: [dragging Lance up on stage] That'd be you.

Lance: I -still- don't know what you're all talking about.

Keith: [grabs Lance and kisses him passionately]

Lance: [blinking] That was nice. [whips out piece of paper] So are you going to tell me who you have this crush on now?

Keith: [begins to beat his head on the floor]

Lance: [peering down] Keith? It's not Pidge, is it?

Ranma: That's all we have. Congrats to the winner and sorry to the losers. Keep being oblivious and maybe we'll see you again next year!!


Announcer: No bishounen were harmed during the filming of this broadcast. A hamster ran in a wheel to provide electricity and our lawyer has a bad headache, but that's it. We swear.

Ryouga: [offstage] Ouch!

Announcer: Please disregard that last statement.


Brought to you by Bishounen TV (BTV). Look for our next broadcast the next time Taryn decides to go clubbing after a concert when she -knows- she has a 7 AM meeting the next morning. Sleep deprivation's a lovely thing.

Do I really want to know what anyone thinks?