The grass is still damp from the rain early this afternoon, tiny beads of moisture caught by the relentless sweeping of the castle search lights gleaming like the stars in the sky overhead. The lake stretching out into the impenetrable darkness reflects the stars into the distance, giving the impression that I'm stranded alone in the middle of space. The effect, while undeniably beautiful, is more lonely than I could ever describe in words alone. I feel like I'm the only person left in the universe.
Maybe the scenery's not entirely at fault for that. There are other things that drove me out here into the rapidly cooling night air, other thoughts that refused to be quelled in the quiet darkness of my room. I wonder what you'll think when you wake up and find me gone?
I know this is silly, but I just can't help myself. There was something about glancing down and seeing you fast asleep amidst the maps spread out on my bedroom floor that nearly shattered every bit of my hard won control. It's always frightened me a bit to see you still like that, as if sleep drags your waking nonstop energy down kicking and screaming into some deep bottomless pit. Some people were meant to be peaceful sleepers, but you just aren't one of them. The thought of you still and silent is so inherently wrong that it takes my breath away.
Still, there's something so beautiful in your face when you're asleep. Not innocence. I can't imagine that you looked innocent five minutes after you were born. You probably opened your eyes and immediately winked at the nurse. There's something so unguarded about you, almost vulnerable, that makes me want to wrap you in my arms and never let go. I was already touching you, reaching out to brush a wave of hair out of your face, before I caught myself.
So I ran.
Maybe that makes me a coward, but in this one thing I don't care. It feels like I've spent my entire life denying how I feel about you. I catch myself giving in to Allura's little flirtations and wonder at the stranger I'm becoming. Everyone seems to believe that I'm in love with her, that we're destined to be together. Sometimes I wonder if they're right. Maybe everyone sees something that I'm missing, with my own desires so carefully hidden behind the safe walls of honor and duty. I do care for her. Maybe I even actually love her. At least that's what I tell myself during the day.
Then there are nights like tonight when all my defenses come crashing down, leaving me naked without any illusions to hide the truth. I think it would annoy the hell out of you to know that you're more dangerous to me vulnerable and asleep than you could ever be awake.
I honestly don't know how much longer I can go on like this. It's been getting slowly worse over the last few years. If it was just lust, I think I could push it out of my mind and get over it. But it's not, is it? It's so much more than that.
I love you.
And because I love you, I'll keep running. I know you don't love me. I can't imagine you tied down to one person. There's something too free about you, and I'll be damned if I'm going to be the one to cast you down in chains. That wouldn't be fair to you. Assuming, of course, that you'd have me in the first place. I've always wondered if you know how I feel about you. You see through people so easily. I don't see how you could have missed it. Then again, subtlety's never been your strong point. What are the chances that you'd let things go unsaid if you knew the truth?
So sometimes I just have to run, hiding things neither one of us is ready to deal with until either exhaustion or the light of day drives them from my mind, drowning my personal thoughts under the ceaseless weight of duty.
Maybe someday I'll have the strength to tell you. I only pray that I won't be too late. Until then, the scattered glimpses I get of you without any of your protections and the stolen feel of the softness of your hair beneath my shaking fingers is enough.
It has to be enough. It's all I have