Blinding flashes of color and sonic bursts of sound through the headphones snug against my ears, and the game moves through to another level. Easy; really almost too easy. Granted it's my own design, but still there needs to be some challenge. The artificial thrill of simulated combat is barely enough to hold my attention as I charge through a hauntingly familiar desert oasis, the virtual eyes of my hero intent for the promised prize of the Ages.
Even the increasing level of skill required to flick the switch against the barely released surge of new weapons fire isn't enough of a distraction to make me miss the darker form against the darkness of the castle gates on the overhead monitor. Just the barest flicker of motion captured from the corner of my eye and I know it's him. There's no mistaking the straight proud line of his silhouette, tall and strong even with the flicker of tension granting an out of character tightness to the normally fluid movements of his steps.
The game fades away beneath my suddenly lax fingertips, my hero dying the worst of a thousand onscreen deaths and losing the riches I fought so hard to grant him in the dreariness of the midnight hour. It doesn't matter how many times this scene plays itself out. It always strikes me anew when I see you slip away under cover of night, every step taken away from the castle and the correcting restraints of your position a step towards release. By the time you disappear from even the farthest of the cameras I almost feel like you'll step off the ground and fly away from it all.
I wish I could run after you, throw my arms around you and make you forget all your worries like the heroine in one of Allura's hidden romance novels. I could never impose so much, though. Instead all I can do is grant you the one thing you've always been kind enough to grant me: time to myself. At times like this I can't help but wonder if your empathy gifted me with more of a childhood than you ever had yourself. When you were the age I am now you were already our fearless captain here on Arus, ready to lead us to Death's door if the need arose. At least in my spare time I could run away and forget, but the responsibility was always hunched over your shoulders, breathing its foul worrisome breath down the back of your neck.
I've never quite understood how you could stand it. Just another enigma inside of a mystery, as the saying goes.
Your hurrying steps take you through the darkness of the hillside until you're almost running and then you're gone, burnt out of my sight with the shocking cruelty of the death of a falling star. A gasp catches my throat at the crushing sense of loss at the only time I ever truly see you unguarded, the only time when I have you to myself, voyeuristic though it may be.
And everyone always wonders why I volunteer for the night shifts.
Just as the urge becomes too great and I almost can't hold myself in my chair the hair on the back of my neck raises up with the sense of someone's studying eyes. Hunk, I know without twisting around to look. I can feel the weight of his gaze, the worry and concern, even across the cold metal length of castle control. Even as part of me wants to turn around and scream at him, to berate him for checking up on me as if I was still just a kid, another part wants to run through the door and fling myself into the safety of his arms the way I've always done. There's something about him, a stability that drives away even my darkest fears.
No matter the temptation, I can't do it. I'm an adult now, at least in name, and it's time I began to act my age. This time, exquisitely painful though it may be, is mine and mine alone. It's too sharp and bare to share with anyone else, even when that selfishness galls me even more than the hopelessness of wanting that which I can never have.
Taking a deep breath I turn back to the monitors, ignoring the staticy buzz of my aborted video game as my fingers dance over the keyboard. The cameras surrounding the castle begin to shift, turning their watchful eyes to the starlit skies. Letting myself sink deeper into the buffering annoyance of Hunk's watchful gaze I lose myself in the flow of raw data.
I may not be able to save you from yourself, but there is one gift I can grant. I can give you these nights alone, and be your guardian angel that watches the sky and keeps you safe.
After all these years, it's the least I can do.