Warning: way OOC, even for me. And humor. I hope.

Notes the first: kaie was being attacked by a ficlet; so as to preserve him for “Black as Love” I did my best to entice the ficlet to me.

I don’t know any of the last names of the characters, so I used last names from Ali’s Gatchaman Seclusion series. Which, though incomplete, I find really, really good...

The pov switching I promised to work on...well, I think I do a minimalist version of a story -- I almost write in a script format. There is no pov to switch around as far as I can tell... I know, I know “There is no try...”

Notes the second: Somehow, I just never got back to this ficlet. So, I looked at my small list of voltron stories, thinking about attempting to redo “Masquerade” and I see... this.

Notes the third: I hope kaie doesn't mind the use I put his ficlet to...

Thanks to the vying for the encouragement and ideas -- especially kaie, Taryn, and Todesengel...

Italics denotes thoughts.

________________________

The Best Laid Plans....

________________________

Pidge pushes up his glasses. "Okay, here’s the plan. We’re about due for a break, right? You tell him it is _required_."

Coran nods his acceptance, an intent look on his face.

Pidge turns to Nanny. "Your job, of course, is to get a proper picnic made up."

Nanny nods firmly.

Pidge looks to Lance. "You have got to be ready to distract the children, along with Hunk and me. _No_ interfering, got it? You’ll get your chance _if_ Allura doesn’t work out."

Blushing, Lance regards his toes, but jerks his head in acceptance.

Pidge sighs. "Right. Hunk, you and I will go collect the kids, once Coran gives the all clear."

Hunk grins at Pidge. "Relax. If I have to, I’ll sit on Lance to get him to behave."

Allura sniffs. "You’d better do something, just in case he 'can't help himself' yet again."

Lance turns a deeper red, and refuses to look at anyone.

Pidge smirks. "Okay, then. Allura, you know what you have to do -- skimpy bathing suit -- maybe the one whose ties came undone...? Ready, everybody? Break!"

They all scatter to ready everything for the Seduction of Captain Keith Shimada. Take 30 or so.

___________

"You want to do what?"

Coran sighs. "A picnic, Keith."

"But we just had one --"

"Two weeks ago, I know. But it’s been quite a week, so I think the rest of the team deserves a little R and R." Coran does his best to look firm, but ends up looking more pitiful than anything else.

"Bothering you, have they?"

Gratefully abandoning the attempt at being a stern commander, Coran nods frantically. "To make it worse, Nanny agrees with them!"

Smiling slightly, Keith gives in. "I wouldn’t want Nanny after me, either. Okay, we'll go on a picnic today. I’ll just finish this sweep and set up the defenses..."

Coran leaves Keith to his security precautions, breathing a sigh of relief as he gains the hallway. Opening a private comm channel he gives the go ahead.

__________

Upon receiving the signal, Nanny hurries over to the kitchen and whips the staff up into a frenzy of picnic food preparation.

__________

Pidge, Hunk, and Lance start calling the villagers near the picnic area and invite them all to the picnic.

__________

The Princess is in the shower, with a multitude of bathing suits, jumping up and down to test the security of fit. Once she gets the call, she torques her body carefully, in many different and painful looking ways -- making absolutely sure that _this_ bathing suit won’t come off until she wants it to. Nodding to herself in satisfaction, she dries off, and dresses in her usual jumpsuit. No need to make Keith too suspicious.

__________

Everybody convenes in the control room.

Keith watches in bemusement as Nanny forces everybody who is going -- from Coran to the Princess’s maids -- to carry a picnic basket. "I'm guessing that we're going to be doing some socializing?"

Hastily, Coran responds to his cue. "It's important that the members of the team generate good will amongst the villagers."

Allura nods in agreement, her eyes wide and innocent.

Pidge shuts his eyes briefly, managing to stop himself from any more obvious signs of frustration. *You’d think, after so many times, Coran would get smoother at this...*

Keith regards them thoughtfully, shrugs, and looks around. "Right. Are we all set?" Everybody nods. "Know who is going in which lion?" Everybody nods again.

With a last look about, Keith heads over to the handlebars, casually taking the basket from his passenger. The maid smiles sweetly up at Keith. Apparently oblivious, Keith uses the arm holding two baskets to brace her against his body for the ride. Somehow, he managed to be completely impersonal throughout the whole operation. Despite the maid's subtle attempts at distraction.

Watching their backs, Allura's lips thin in frustration.

One of her maids pats her comfortingly on the arm. "Highness, she's not going to succeed. She's been trying for a long time, and he just slips through every trap she tries to set, without even noticing."

Bitterly, Pidge shakes his head. "Oh, he notices. Keith pays attention to _everything_. He’s just that good." Shaking off dark thoughts, Pidge starts chivvying everybody into their lions. "C'mon. We better get going if we don't want Keith getting more suspicious."

___________

A gorgeous day. Sunny, bright, with the laughter of children spiking through the murmur of more adult conversation. And somehow it went entirely wrong! Pidge floats in the water, carefully at a bit of a distance from everyone else, for privacy to rant.

We get to the spot, and what happens? Keith is flirting with the maid! Which, of course, makes Allura so mad, she gets distracted into an argument with her maid -- allowing Keith the bit of time he needed to slip away... Not even Lance has been able to find him, this time...

Suddenly, he’s pulled _down_. "Hey-!" Choking and gasping, Pidge manages to kick free; he turns to attack, and finds Hunk laughing himself sick. Glaring at the big guy, Pidge sputters. "What’s the big deal?"

Hunk wipes his eyes. "I couldn’t resist. Besides, we’re here, we have the day off. You might as well enjoy yourself. I bet Keith is."

Rolling his eyes, Pidge opens and shuts his mouth a few times, trying to figure out what to say.

Shaking his head, Hunk just grabs Pidge’s arm and hauls him over to join in kid-watching duty -- something that is sure to cheer Pidge up, at least temporarily.

________________

As the sun sets, more and more of the villagers leave, until only the castle people remain.

Just as Nanny opens her mouth to voice her worry about Keith, he shows up as if he had been there the whole time. "Time to get back to the castle."

Businesslike, Keith helps the maid into the Black Lion. Apparently, he is once again oblivious to her tentative advances.

Grinding his teeth, Pidge helps his passenger into Green Lion. That’s it. Keith _must_ be doing this -- all of this! -- on purpose. I’ll just have to ask him flat out.

_________________

Back at the castle, Pidge manages to keep himself under control until Nanny bustles herself, the maids, and Coran away. Then, well, he just can't take it any longer, and his fear takes control of his tongue.

"Would you _please_ get with someone?" Pidge blurts out. "I looked up Kriensh in the medical logs -- you’ll become deathly ill if you don't have sex with someone for longer than five years!" Abruptly realizing what he just said, he turns bright red, and drops his eyes to his feet.

For a frozen moment, all Keith can do is stare at him. In a much too calm and quiet voice, Keith inquires, "So that was what it was all about. And I assume you shared this information with everybody else? Which is why almost everybody was chasing after me."

Miserably, Pidge nods. "I’m really worried about you. You’re our _leader_. You’re _Black Lion_. Without you, I don’t think we’d stay a team." Cautiously, he looks sideways up at Keith. "And I really do think that most of the people would have been chasing you anyway; this just gave them an excuse to be more obvious."

Shaking his head, Keith shuts his eyes. "Whatever. For a smart guy, you can be a complete idiot. Why didn’t you just come out and _ask_ me, rather than trying all those elaborate schemes?"

Outraged, Pidge flings his head up. "That's because I figured you'd do exactly what you're doing now -- avoid giving me a straight answer!"

Snorting, Keith smiles grimly. "You never wanted straight answers before. Forgive me if I'm a little slow." Pidge whitens, and starts to respond -- but snaps his mouth shut as Keith continues. "I'm not Kriensh. I'm Kriish. I'm not going to die if I don't have sex. I'm not even going to get ill if I don't have sex." Keith pauses to glaring at everybody. "There is no need to sacrifice yourselves for the Good of Arus and Voltron."

Everybody winces at the sarcasm. The edge in his voice is enough to keep _anyone_ from protesting their willingness. Pidge, though red, still looks stubborn.

Keith sighs. "Right. Why am I not surprised. What’s distinctive, unique to all Kriensh, Pidge? _Besides_ the necessity of sex."

Startled at the sudden quizzing, Pidge stammers the answer. "Um... Kriensh have a distinctive prehensile tail remnant..?"

"Mm-hm. And the Kriish?"

"Ah... All Kriish carry birthmarks of their family and honor marks made permanent by a plant that only grows under Kriish hands... But they never show those marks to any but other Kriish or close family..."

"That's a rule, not a tradition. This... mess. is a very acceptable reason for displaying my marks." Keith shakes his head. "Did you ever wonder why I spend so much time in gardens? Or notice the golden-red plant that grows in whatever garden I spend time in?" Keith pulls his pants and underwear off, displaying a birthmark that looks like a backwinging dragon, and a great many honor marks. Completely unselfconscious, Keith continues dryly. "I suppose I ought to have just given in to the inevitable. I should have just put the marks on my hands like the rest of my family. I thought I was being clever in not putting the marks somewhere they’d be causally seen." Raising an eyebrow, he turns slowly around allowing everybody to see... well, everything. "Satisfied?"

Pidge, deflated and completely ashamed, just studies his feet and nods.

"So. Are you going to quit this idiotic business before it actually gets someone killed?"

Sheepish nods from everybody; no one willing to look him in the eye. Well, in Lance’s and Allura’s case it’s a bit because they’re too busy looking at parts of him...

"Good. I trust you’ll spread the word." Pulling his clothes back on, Keith stalks off.

Owari

End notes: It was *supposed* to be light. It was all *supposed* to be because of a bet. Another story goes its own way.

Sorry. I got the end polished and ran out of steam for the middle. I just wanted it *finished*.