Twelve Pains of Christmas

by Phoenix

Disclaimer: I don't own Voltron or this song. I am not sure who exactly owns this song (webmistress note- the Bob Travers Comedy Crew? Something like that), but I butchered it anyway. Unless ya want alot of college bills, don't sue me cause that is all ya are going to get from me. I hope y'all enjoy! ^_^

The curtain opens to reveal a Christmas tree in the middle of the ballroom of the Castle of Lions. Keith is next to the tree trying to string the lights on it. Sven is sitting near Keith with a couple of empty bottles of whiskey next to him. He looks dazed (Gee, I wonder why). In one corner of the room, Hunk is sitting at a desk with a huge stack of cards next to him. Lance is looking frantic, and Lotor is whining to Allura. Haggar is looking at a map and looking pretty pissed off. Pidge is looking confusingly at the back of a toy, and Nanny is flipping channels on the TV. Coran and Zarcon are staring at the carols in their hands. Alford is floating above them. The music starts.

Alford: (singing, WAY off key) The first thing of Christmas thatís such a pain to me is finding a Christmas tree.

Alford: The second thing of Christmas thatís such a pain to me.....

Keith: (looking mad, though you can't tell by his face yet) Rigginí up the lights

Alford: And finding a Christmas tree.

Alford: The third thing of Christmas thatís such a pain to me....

Sven: (looking just a tad bit tipsy) Hangovers

Keith: (looks at the tangled ball of wire and lights) Rigginí up the lights

Alford: (burps) And finding a Christmas tree.

Alford: The fourth thing of Christmas thatís such a pain to me....

Hunk: (writing furiously) Sending Christmas cards

Sven: (attempts to stand, but fails) Hangovers

Keith: (getting really frustrated) Rigginí up these LIGHTS!

Alford: And finding a Christmas tree.

Alford: The fifth thing of Christmas thatís such a pain to me....

All: Five months of bills

Hunk: (shakes pen trying to get more ink out of it) UGH!! Sending all these cards.

Sven: (burps) Will someone get me some more whiskey?

Keith: (eyes in narrow slits) Alright, where are the extension cords?

Alford: And finding a Christmas tree.

Alford: The sixth thing of Christmas thatís such a pain to me.....

Lance: (looking distressed) Facing my in-laws

All: Five months of bills

Hunk: (turns red) Sending Christmas cards

Sven: (too drunk to sing anymore) Urp

Keith: (gives Sven a nasty look) You are ALOT of help!

Alford: (pulls off shirt and waves it to the music) And finding a Christmas tree.

Alford: The seventh thing at Christmas thatís such a pain to me.....

Allura: (covers her ears from the annoying bell and glares at the money bucket) Salvation Army

Lance: (really freaking out) Facing my in-laws

All: (moan) Five months of bills

Hunk: (tears up an envelope) I hate these Christmas cards!

Sven: (noticing Keithís mess of the lights) Oh, jeez, stupid.

Keith: (giving Sven his 'death look') Iím TRYING to rig up these lights!

Alford: And finding a Christmas tree

Alford: The eight thing of Christmas thatís such a pain to me.....

Lotor: (he just whines throughout the song) I want a transformer for Christmas!

Allura: Charities. (gives Lance a confused look) What do you mean, your "in-laws"? (Everyone stares at Lance. He blushes.)

All: (moan) Five months of bills

Hunk: (disgusted) Making up these cards.

Sven: (to Lotor) Uh, get me a beer, will ya?

Keith: (on the brink of yelling) WHAT?!? We have NO extension cords!?!

Alford: And finding a Christmas tree

Alford: The ninth thing of Christmas thatís such a pain to me......

Haggar: (looking at a map and talking to her crystal ball) No parking spaces

Lotor: (kicks the ball of lights) Keith, I want some candy!

Allura: (yelling) Donations!

Lance: (running around frantically) Facing my in-laws!

All: Five months of bills

Hunk: (starts to crack) Writing up those #^$&%&^ Christmas cards!

Sven: (looking VERY sick) Hangovers

Keith: NOW WHY THE HELL ARE THEY BLINKING?!?!?!?!?!?! (Everyone blinks and starts to move away from Keith.)

Alford: (grinning evilly) And finding a Christmas tree

Alford: The tenth thing of Christmas thatís such a pain to me....

Pidge: (staring at the back of an action figure box) Batteries not included

Haggar: (tears up the map) No parking spaces

Lotor: (jumps up and down) Buy me something NOW!

Allura: (yelling out the door) Get a job, ya bum!

Lance: (sobbing) Ooh, facing my in-laws!

All: Five months of bills

Hunk: (hands shaking) Sending Christmas cards! And who the HELL is Bill?!?

Sven: (notices his empty bottle) Oh, jeez, look at this. Anyone got more?

Keith: (all calmness is gone) ONE LIGHT GOES OUT, THEY ALL GO OUT!

Alford: And finding a Christmas tree

Alford: The eleventh thing of Christmas thatís such a pain to me.....

Nanny: (looking really bored, channel surfing) Stale TV specials

Pidge: (still staring at the box in shock) Batteries not included

Haggar: (looking pissed) No parking spaces

Lotor: (tugs on Allura's dress) Allura, I gotta go to the bathroom!

Allura: (pulls at her hair) Charities!

Lance: (really distressed) Sheís a witch, I hate her! (Haggar glares at him.) Uhm, not you. (starts looking for an escape route)

All: (sobbing) Five months of bills

Hunk: (throws his pen on the top of the table) Oh, I donít even KNOW half these people!

Sven: (REALLY desperate for a drink) Ok, whoís got the tequila paper, huh?

Keith: (deadly calm) Get a flashlight, I blew a fuse!

Alford: And finding a Christmas tree

Alford: The twelfth thing of Christmas thatís such a pain to me....

Coran and Zarcon: (looking utterly miserable) Singing Christmas carols

Nanny: (really bored) Stale TV specials. I can't believe they even took off my soaps!

Pidge: (staring) Batteries not included. Now how am I suppose to get it to work?

Haggar: (slams down the crystal ball - it shatters) No parking

Lotor: (throws himself on the floor, legs kicking) WAHHHHHHHHHHHH! WAHHHHHHH!

Allura: (moans over Lotorís wailing) Charities

Lance: (smiles evilly) I think Iíll make Ďem dinner. (Everyone stares in horror, gagging.)

All: (to Lance) You are EVIL!!!!

Hunk: (grabs his chair and breaks it on the desk) Thatís it!! Iím NOT sending them this year!

Sven: (to Lotor, who is STILL bawling) Shaddup!!!

Keith: (thinks that Sven is talking to him) FINE! Youíre so smart, YOU rig up the LIGHTS! (starts choking Sven)

Alford: (farts out the last note as he moons the audience) And finding a Christmas tree! (Everyone faints from the gas.)

Curtain Closes - Owari

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