Disclaimer: Voltron belongs to World Events Productions.
Note: Also in the "don't ask" category...
Allura lay in peaceful slumber on the bed, completely oblivious to the turmoil around her. Long pale fingers were clasped tightly over the delicate pink bodice of her court gown. Her white face stood out starkly against the heavy fall of her golden hair falling over the utilitarian white cloth covering the pillow. To make an otherwise long tedious description succinct and to the point for a change, the Princess of Arus was unconscious.
Why was she unconscious? Was the mighty Warrior Princess of Planet Arus, she who dares to fly Blue Lion and laughs in the face of Danger, felled by a mighty stroke of Planet Doom's Dread Warlords?
Stop snickering. I'm trying to tell a story here.
The things a storyteller has to put up with these days…
Where was I? Oh yeah.
Well then, did she prick her finger on a spinning wheel, like the beautiful princess from a long-forgotten Terran fairy tale?
Not likely. After all, if the princess was capable of operating a spinning wheel, chances are she would own more than one dress.
Why, then, was she unconscious?
Well, it was the flowers… No, wait. She was scratched by Koba's claws. Or was it…?
Never mind. The chick's just in a deep sleep, all right? We're talking Voltron here. Plot holes a Mack truck can drive through and all that. I mean, come on. "Your love was strong enough to make the flowers grow." The writers were apparently on acid.
Keith, mighty Knight in Shining Armor and captain of the Voltron Force, threw himself down on his knees, grabbed Allura's hand, and started to wail. "She's dead!"
Everyone took a moment to glance back at Doctor Gorma. The doctor, who is completely incapable of curing a Chihuahua of kennel cough (elsewise we wouldn't need Magic Happy Love Flowers™, now would we children?), clutched his official-looking clipboard tightly and tried to appear very serious and concerned. After a moment of silence, Pidge, child genius, finally decided to do his job for him.
"She's not dead, Keith," he pointed out in the very reasonable tone of voice one uses when speaking to a half-witted child. "She's still breathing. See?" He laid Keith's hand gently on her chest so that he could watch it rise and fall.
"Oh yeah. I guess you're right." Keith's eyes glazed over as he stared at the movement, completely mesmerized.
Hunk glanced at Pidge, the real mind behind everything. "So what do we do now?"
Lance snorted in disgust. "Why don't we just leave her like that for a while? It's not like she ever really does anything other than scream and run off in the middle of the night to be captured anyway. Maybe we can bargain her off cheap to Lotor."
Keith tore his eyes away from the otherwise fascinating rise and fall of his hand to partake of his favorite pastime: glaring at Lance. "That's not fair, Lance. She's a ruler. You just don't understand her importance."
Lance raised an eyebrow and looked generally skeptical, but wisely kept his mouth shut.
Not only does fighting on planet Arus not solve your problems, but there's always the chance that someone will get hurt. Getting hurt means getting shipped off to another planet for competent medical help. This is a Bad Idea. The planet, wherever it is, will immediately be attacked, despite the nearby presence of Voltron, Defender of the Universe, and you will be left for dead, only to recover on your own and be forced to eke out a meager existence that forces you to forget your name and all social skills. The only thing to look forward to after that is being rescued by a bossy blonde princess with no sense of humor.
I'm actually amazed that Lance didn't shudder and run screaming.
Unfortunately, Keith was upset. Strong emotions normally make the poor boy's mind turn to Jell-O. He took Lance's wise decision not to pursue the matter as a perfectly good reason to start a fight. Clenching hands into fists at his sides, he jumped to his feet in a burst of righteous indignation. "We have to find a cure!"
Everyone glanced back at the doctor, who continued to nod and smile faintly at something no one else could see. Ketamine is alive and well on planet Arus.
Pidge nodded slowly. "And do you have any thoughts on how exactly we should begin? What's wrong with her, anyway?"
"Well, that's obvious. It has to be another spell." Hunk nodded decisively at the obvious wisdom of his words.
Lance grabbed Pidge by his headband just in time to ward off the attack, but it was too late. The worst had happened.
Keith had heard the suggestion. His eyes flashed and his voice took on a reverent tone. "Of course! You're brilliant, Hunk! We'll just go and attack Planet Doom!"
Lance glared at Pidge, who shrugged helplessly. "Um, guys? We can't do that."
Keith and Hunk both looked blank.
Lance leaned back against the wall and crossed his arms over his chest.
It might look defensive, but it's really all about self-preservation. The Alliance frowns on anyone throttling their teammates, regardless of the cause. Lance never has had that good a rein on his temper.
At the moment, his knuckles gripping the inside of his jacket were white with the effort. "Defense, not offense, remember? They attack, we send them away. It's our purpose in life."
Keith's eyes began to come back into focus, but Hunk continued to look blank.
Pidge sighed and whipped out his trusty laptop. One click of a finger pulled up John Madden Football 2364. "See? It's like this, Hunk…."
Keith snatched the computer away and immediately keyed up the handy link to Planet Doom labeled on the desktop with a convenient stylized skull. A bored young woman with blue skin appeared on the screen.
"Planet Doom. To whom may I direct your call?"
"Of course. One moment."
See how important good manners are? The operator even neglected to turn on the Muzak tape. Sometimes silence is golden.
In moments Lotor's handsome face filled the screen. "This is Lotor, Dread Prince of Doom."
"Lotor, you're dust!"
Lotor sighed and leaned back in his chair. "Keith? How did you find this number? I had it changed and unlisted."
Keith glared daggers at the screen. "You can't hide from me, Lotor. I'll track you down to the end of the universe if I-"
"Yeah, yeah. I know." Lotor waved one hand airily and rolled his eyes at someone off the screen. "Was there something in particular you wanted?"
"Yes! I want our princess back!"
Lotor looked startled. "Allura?"
Keith nodded. "Yes, Allura. What did you do to her?"
"Nothing, actually. If the ditz managed to get herself in trouble, I had nothing to do with it."
"Oh." Keith looked slightly confused for a minute, then narrowed his eyes and shook a finger at Lotor's image. "Hagar, then! You made her come up with some spell…"
"'fraid not. She finally managed to back dad into a corner. They're on their honeymoon in Vegas."
Keith looked slightly ill but pressed on valiantly like the Knight he most assuredly was. "Then who…?"
"It was me."
Evil laughter began to sound from the doorway, only slightly impinged by a heavy courtly accent.
Everyone gasped in unison.
Coran strode into the room wearing a black leather minidress, high heels, and Allura's little tiara. Nanny, dressed thankfully in a long hooded acolyte robe and wearing a worshipful expression, followed close by his heels.
"There now. See? I told you I had nothing to do with it. Now if you don't mind, I'm busy." A drop-dead gorgeous blonde human male, naked from the waist up except for the slight sheen of oil that screamed "personal trainer", appeared behind Lotor in the screen.
"I told you not to answer."
Lotor allowed himself to be pulled to his feet by a leash that was hidden by his hair, a beatific smile on his face. "Coming, Master." The screen went blank.
No one noticed, of course. It was a bit hard to get past the spectacle of a cross-dressing Coran.
Hunk, who was less shocked by this than would be considered normal, was the first to recover his voice. "But… why?"
Coran threw his head back and brushed a lock of graying brown hair back under the tiara. "I run this planet. I'm sick of the bitch getting all the credit for it."
The four young men who comprised Arus' best defense force exchanged a long look.
"Should we interfere?"
"You know the prohibitions against getting involved in planetary politics…"
"Works for me."
Pidge glanced back down at the bed. "You probably should wake her up though. People will be suspicious."
Coran sighed. "Oh, all right. Later. It's so blessedly quiet right now. Besides, I gave the guards the night off. They deserve the break."
Keith glanced back and forth from Allura to Coran, his face twisted up in a final flare of guilt-ridden anguish. "But…the princess…"
Lance pushed away from the wall and wrapped an arm around Keith's waist. "It's all right, babe. I'll make you forget all about Allura."
"But…" Keith stopped as the words sunk in, a strangely predatory smile crossing his face. "Can I use the restraints?"
"If it'll make you feel better."
"Oh, it will." Keith grabbed Lance's arm and yanked him towards the door.
"Keith? Do you want to be here when we wake Allura back up?"
Pidge sighed. "Never mind." He glanced at Hunk, his best friend in the whole universe. "Hey Hunk, you want to go grab a bite to eat?"
Hunk continued staring at Coran. "What? Oh yeah, sure. Later." A slow smile crossed his face.
Coran smiled back.
Pidge glanced down in horror at Nanny, who raised an eyebrow questioningly.
His laptop clutched tightly to his chest, Pidge bolted for safety. After all, he knew a really good porn site…