The world slowly comes back into focus, centered mainly on the impossible crick in my neck and the pins and needles that shot up my numb arm when I accidentally shifted in my sleep. For a few moments I can't remember why exactly I'm asleep on what appears to be a floor.
I sit up and blink, staring through the darkness for some sign that I'm not alone again. It's pointless. I know that before I even begin to look, but some perverse part of me can't let it lie. I don't even realize that I've ground one of the maps strewn around me into a ball in frustration until the sound of ripping paper cuts through the sleepy haze fogging my brain. Barely biting back a curse I throw it at the wall and lean back against your empty bed.
You even turned out all the lights before you left. You know, most people would have shook me awake and told me to leave, but not you. No, you're much too considerate for that. Instead you leave your own room to go wherever it is you go in the middle of the night, being so careful not to wake me up in the process. It's actually kind of sweet, in an odd kind of way, even if you probably are sneaking off to her room again.
No, I'm not even going to think of that. I don't know what it is about you that frustrates me, but it doesn't matter. You're beyond my reach, and you always have been. If you belong to anyone, it's definitely her, whether I like it or not.
I let me eyes drift away from the cold emptiness of your bed to the maps and charts scattered across most of the bedroom floor. I can't help the way my eyes dart automatically to Doom. It's not important- they're our enemies. I'm supposed to be concentrating on them.
It has nothing whatsoever to do with him.
Those are thoughts that are even more dangerous than when I dream about you, aren't they Keith? What would you do if you ever found out some of my fantasies? You'd probably have me shot at dawn by a volunteer firing squad.
I know it's a betrayal to you, to all of you. I wonder if you'd ever understand that the one I'm betraying most is myself. How can I even think of him that way? How can I sit here in your room and shiver at the thought of those glowing yellow eyes? It's impossible. He's a symbol of everything I hate, everything that destroyed all I've ever had. His father killed everyone I knew- my family, my friends, my whole world. I know he's no better than Zarkon. I know that. But for some reason certain parts of me can't seem to accept it.
Maybe this is all Allura's fault. I've heard her lectures on the need for second chances and everyone having a good side often enough. Apparently they're starting to sink in. I doubt this is the kind of thing even she had in mind, though, despite her own apparent obsession with him. I can pretend to myself that it's all about power or lust, but I honestly just don't know anymore.
What I do know is that this whole line of reasoning is completely pointless, and it's not making this cold dark room any less lonely. Shoving myself up off the floor, I can't help taking one last look back, just to convince myself that I really am alone. It doesn't matter, really. I know it's pointless. The only thing left to do is go back to my own bed and try to sleep.
Sometimes in my darkest dreams I actually get to have you both.