The referencing of the sections is from the fic I copied from Spubba's site -- so the numbering is straight through each section (no Pidge 1, Hunk 1). ^^ I hope that made some sense.
Perfect -- spinoff #2 -- Keith.
(After Perfect Part 7 (Pidge))
Even with Pidge's too thin body snug against me, and Sven curved around my back, still, I miss you. There's this Lance-shaped hole next to me, where you used to always be. Just as there's a Hunk-shaped hole next to Pidge. We're broken bits of people, all of us trying desperately to fill the void in us. They just haven't given up yet. Patiently, I wait, eyes shut and breathing even. Any moment now --
Carefully, Sven uncoils himself from me. Silently, he dresses and slips out of the room, tucking my blanket up around me in his place.
Two beats later, Pidge stirs in my arms, and slips out as well.
Alone, I finally sleep, endless sorrow at what we've become shadowing my dreams.
****
(After Perfect Part 8 (Hunk))
Quietly walking into the control center, I pause just out of sight, feeling an eyebrow reach involuntarily for my hairline. Coran is on the screen, talking earnestly to Sven. Telling him that Hunk is on his way _here_, to Pollux. That Hunk and Pidge need to straighten things out between them. In his usual emotionless manner, Sven nods calmly at the appropriate times. For me, it's all I can do not to turn into a miserable, crying wreck at the sight of him with all the sharp-edged memories he brings up.
Finally, Coran stops talking.
Not turning around, Sven hesitates for a long, long moment.
Pulling myself together, I speak quietly, knowing that Sven knew exactly when I entered the room. We've always shared that sort of odd awareness between us. "You'd better tell Pidge to pick him up."
Fighting involuntarily, Sven twitches --
"Now, Sven." I deepen my voice, deliberately adding the elusive quality known as command to it. Dark-edged humor rises in me as I watch Sven's head drop, and see the barely perceptible shiver before he regains control. There's one person left who follows my orders. If not for precisely normal reasons. I can almost see the arousal flame through him, locked deep behind his icy control. A long chain of possibilities, and we might have been good together. If I wasn't in love with Lance, if he wasn't married to Romelle. And if I could enjoy inflicting pain as much as he enjoys taking it.
****
(After Perfect Part 10 (Hunk))
Seeing Hunk get out of the cab, all his feelings painted on his face, in the way his body moves, I can't help the instinct that has me try to put him at ease.
Greeting him warmly, I tell him about what's been happening. At least with me, he can get an idea of all that he missed, without getting hit with all the painful details as well.
Even though he's packed on the pounds, I can tell that there's still a great strength in him, a haven that's calling out to Pidge. A protector, whose jealousy when I let slip that Pidge was sleeping with us burns strong, but controlled. After all, he didn't hit me.
We understand each other, he and I. Both of us lost what he held most dear in the course of the war. But he's stronger than I.
I can't even imagine being back on Arus, and watching as they squander what our destruction bought them.
****
(After Perfect Part 11 (Pidge))
Days drift by in a timeless haze. Against my own knowledge, I hoped that Lance would come to Pollux. Drawn here, somehow, because all the rest of us were here.
I should have known better.
****
(After Perfect Part 13 (Pidge))
A message from Hunk and Pidge. Who are starting their own business. On Arus. The hope in Hunk's eyes is blinding. In Pidge's eyes, I can see the old determination, and the mantra he sobbed out in my arms. Second chances.
Amazingly, I can almost see the fragile happiness around both of them.
After they cut the connection, I lean back and stare sightless at the ceiling. I'm useless here, just slowing Sven's descent slightly. Romelle and Bandor can't stand to look at me.
What do I have to lose?
Second chances.
Using skills still good, though rusty, I begin to surf the data trails.
****
I've waited on Pollux for years for you to come back to me. In the beginning, I took your flight as rejection. But having our time together running in a continuous memory loop in the back of my brain all these years, I've come to a different conclusion.
Or delusion.
You fled in fear of being discarded. You fled to have the power in our relationship, power that I unthinkingly took from you, when Sven and Pidge joined us and changed our lovemaking into pornography.
Maybe, just maybe, if I come searching for you, I'll give you enough power for you to be able to have me in your life again.
Maybe you want me too, but just don't know how to get back.
Either way, it will be finished between us.
****
(Before Lance's POV)
It takes rather longer than I expected to figure out where Lance is. Starting with dancer-boy and police records, I manage to trace the path of chaos that is Lance traveling. Finding out where he was is easy enough. Finding out where he is -- is another matter altogether.
But eventually I do find him.
Leaving the sucking comfort of Pollux is easier than I thought it would be.
****
(After Lance's POV)
I manage to convince the hotel clerk to let me in; it helps that he recognized both of us. Never has an autograph and a smile given me more.
Entering Lance's room warily, the utter sterility of it depresses me. There's nothing of Lance, not here.
Retching noises from the direction of the bathroom startle me, but before I can move, suddenly, Lance is here.
And high as a kite.
He doesn't even notice me, drinking him in, until he's collapsed on the bed.
The way he's sprawled, the drug-induced happiness in his face -- I can't help but smile at him. Even though he's skinnier than before, his body and face showing every bit of abuse he's heaped on himself in his life -- even with so many changes, he's still ... Lance. The quality of his, the attraction he radiates -- it's still there, despite his outer appearance. And the heart of him, the part that I call mine -- that's still there too. Naked, unhealthy. Filthy because of his carelessness, still, I love him. I worry about the bloody lump on his head, and the needle tracks on his arms. But he's still Lance. And I can't help but smile at being in the same room as he is, breathing the same air, for the first time in a long, long time.
And then he smiles back, eyes wide and clearly here but not -- yet I know all the joy in his face is for me.
Helplessly drawn in, I come closer.
Arms that are strong, even though they are too thin, wrap around me; a nose nuzzles the top of my head.
Pain that has been so much a part of me eases at his touch.
If this isn't happiness, it's the closest I've been to it since I left Galaxy Garrison for Arus.
~owari~
Lance
I hang onto the dream as long as I can. Whatever that drug was, I have to get more. This is the longest I've ever been able to dream of you. I could almost swear that you're really here with me, that your weight was curled on top of me the entire night.
I know you're not. You can't be. You're on Pollux, with Sven and his fucked up relationship with the Polluxian royalty.
Besides, even if you wanted to track me down, you couldn't. If those bloody piranhas masquerading as tabloid reporters had problems finding me, you would have found it damn near impossible....
But even shutting my eyes and focusing can nurse the leftover effects of the drug for only so long.
***
Keith
You don't know who I am, I'm pretty sure of that.
Whatever drug-induced haze you're under, you're enjoying yourself very much. You're fighting to stay under. The way your eyes are scrunched tight against wakening and the bruises your hands are starting to leave on my skin are the most obvious signs.
I wonder what you'll do, when you realize just who is in bed with you?
I spent too much time looking to the future. Now, I'll just enjoy the present.
****
Lance
Forced awake, I mean to move just enough to get more of the drug in me, to try to continue the dream.
Shifting my hands, I realize that there's actually someone in bed with me. Oddly enough, whoever he is, is clothed. But his weight is warm and lax against me, his silky hair is under my nose -- whoever this is, I'll have to keep him.
Or get rid of him soon.
He's so very close to being perfect, if he was only --
I open my eyes into wonder.
****
Keith
You're definitely awake.
Surprise flits across your face, and decides to stay a while, along with joy. I can see in the tremor of your hand, and by the look in your eyes that you're starting to go into withdrawal.
And yet, my presence means more to you -- you're not even reaching for the bed stand, where you must have stashed more of the drug...
Smiling hesitantly, I can't help the happiness that leaks out around the edges of my smile. "Hi."
****
Lance
For a moment, all I can feel is blinding happiness.
You are here, and real. You really did stay the night in my arms.
The craving for the drug pales before quenching of my need for your presence. For a breathless moment, I'm alive as I haven't been since I fled Arus.
Until I realize just what this all means.
****
Keith
Even as I speak, I can just feel that this is all going to come crashing down around me.
You don't say anything, but suddenly, you're no longer present.
****
Lance
"What are you doing here?" Even though I know I should, I can't make myself let you go.
Not even the embarrassment of being seen like this by you is enough to convince my hands to release you.
I barely had the strength to walk away from you the first time -- how can I do it now?
Somehow, I have to find a way. You deserve so much more than me. You should have the peacetime dream, the 2.5 kids -- What did you just say?!
****
Keith
"I need you." That's all I can say, that's everything stripped down to the core. Words I hid in my declarations of love. Three small words that I hid from in a haze of alcohol and drugs and sex. Three words that somehow pull you part of the way back from your retreat.
I never had that much pride to begin with, but here and now, I know that if you don't force me away, I'll follow you to every seedy hotel and drug dealer in all the galaxies. Now that I have you in my arms, I'll trail after you like a stupid puppy to every party you crash, and every bar you claim as your home. Unless you kick me away. And even then, it would probably take a few times before I really believed you.
You're baffled, all you manage in answer is a "What?" in tones suspiciously close to a squawk. But you're back with me, most of you. And that's enough.
My smile widens helplessly at the sound though I manage a flippant enough reply. "You heard me." Well, flippant at least until the end. "I need you."
****
Lance
My mind stutters to a stop.
You... Need.... Me? Me? The screw up? The one who led all of us down the spiral of destruction and degradation that none of us can pull out of?
Mouth opening and closing, I try to articulate my thoughts, only to give it up. You're reading it all from my eyes, anyway.
Besides, the laughter in your eyes is worth a bit of humiliation on my part.
****
Keith
I know you hate being laughed at, but it takes all the control I learned from Sven not to chuckle at your bewildered expression.
Gently caressing your cheek, I lock eyes with you, hoping that you can read the truth in me.
"Taking credit for Sven's S and M tendencies or his loss of control is giving yourself far too much credit, love." The endearment slips out too late for me to control myself. Tension coils in me, only to relax as you don't even seem to notice. "For the rest of us..." Is this really a good idea? But you deserve to know, and it might as well be now. "Did you know that Pidge and Hunk are back together?"
I thought that finding out about Pidge and Hunk might help -- but I didn't realize just how much.
You light up like a small nova, and I bask in the happiness you radiate.
****
Lance
Pidge and Hunk? Together? I can feel the blackness of my guilt melt to gray; my smile has more joy in it that it has had in a long time. "That reporter must have been messing with my head. No second chances... Hah!"
Black eyes glowing with happiness, your response is full of laughter. "So you're the one who told Pidge that. That means you're really the one who started pushing them back together, you know." I want your voice to always be full of joy. I want the sadness that's still lurking in the back of your big black eyes to go away.
I'm glad Pidge and Hunk are finally back on track. "It's only fair; I'm the one who messed up their first chance." Now, I have to find the strength to let you go. Somehow. No matter what you're hinting at, what lies between us is very different than what was between them. Pidge and I may have walked similar paths - but he did so because of me. He doesn't deserve to be punished.
****
Keith
"Don't take the blame for everything. All of us had a choice, and all of us chose. That you chose first doesn't make you responsible for everyone else's choice."
You're leaving again. I can see the distance in your eyes, even though your hands clutch me close.
What can I say--?
"If anyone is to blame, it would be me. I was the Captain, I was in charge --" If happiness isn't enough to keep you with me, I'll take anger. Anything.
And just as I thought, you flare in outrage. As beautiful as you are when you're happy, you have an edgy draw in anger that I have never felt in anyone else.
****
Lance
"You are not--!" I can barely speak. You can't blame yourself. You just *can't*.
Relentlessly, your voice pours over me. "I was in command of the Voltron Force -- if I turned my back on the path you showed me, no one else would have followed. Would you have continued down it, if I hadn't joined you?"
The pointed question throws me. Of course I wouldn't have -- I did everything I could to be close to you. But still --
"Lance, I am not perfect. I am not a saint. I am nowhere even close to an ideal Alliance officer. I don't have high morals, and I don't, despite what you think, have all that much respect for authority." Black eyes bore into me, with an intensity that would be frightening, if I wasn't so aroused. "I am not courageous. I don't know how you managed to keep those beliefs you have of me, but they're wrong. I am not a leader. I am a survivor." You're trembling, slightly, the tremors growing stronger with every word you speaks.
Licking my lips, I gape up at you. This... I loved you. I still do. I loved the image I built of you, and now, you're destroying it. I can see fear in your eyes, and feel it in the tremor of your body pressed against mine. But even shaking with fear, you continue.
****
Keith
I have to stop, to take a deep breath. My past was buried deep, lost in the confusing maze the Alliance fondly calls the Records Department. Because of Voltron, no one who wasn't a part of it would believe what I'm telling you. Even with the way we crashed and burned after the war, still, people manage to see us all as saints. But you of all people can tell when I lie. Though you never called me on it.
"We were sent to Arus as a gesture. We weren't expected to actually be able to do anything. Five people sent to try to save a planet that was already overrun?" I shake you gently. "They expected us to die. To, at most, be martyrs. Voltron was a legend -- to the people in charge, not a very believable one. If Voltron was really all that great, why was Arus overrun? We were sent because all of us, one way or another, were expendable."
****
Lance
Shocked to the core, beliefs that were my bedrock for years are shaken.
"You mean --" I've always been the rebel, danced close to the edge of insubordination. But I never thought the others were. I mean, I know we missed stuff, since we were flung together with so little notice, and dropped right in the midst of a war. Even after we got the hang of Voltron, there really wasn't much time to just talk -- between the calls for battle and the moneymaking sessions, any leftover time was devoted to Sleep. But still --
Disrupting my thoughts, your quiet voice soothes my agitation, even as each word you speak sends me reeling. "Pidge was too smart for his own good. Like you, he questioned orders. And he was too good at putting the pieces together, refusing to trust his SOs. As for me, I'm just not that good. I barely managed to pass tactics. My one pride was in my ability to fight hand to hand -- and to be able to lie convincingly. Neither skill was highly prized by the Alliance." A sardonic smile twists your lips. "Meeting you and Sven was a lowering experience. You saw through my lies and took them for jokes. Sven could defeat me easily in combat."
I smile back, hesitantly. My world just shifted; I'm trying to make all the pieces fit back together again. "What about Hunk and Sven?"
****
Keith
Taking a breath, I try -- unsuccessfully -- to stop shaking. Even though I can tell it's a delaying tactic, I go with your lead.
But I watch your eyes, my body strung tight, as I try to predict how it'll go. Are you going to hate me, push me away because I shattered your image of me? Or will this bring us closer, bridge the distance between us that broke us apart the last time?
****
Lance
You smile, and answer, even though I can tell very little of your attention is on what you're saying.
"Even before Lotor got a hold of him, Sven was this close to breaking. He's all passion inside him -- and control on the outside. There was no way to predict when or how he'd snap. He was sent to Arus in the hopes that he'd get himself killed before he exploded. Hunk... Hunk got on the wrong side of someone in power."
I'm not really paying attention to what you're saying either. Hesitantly, I pry one hand off of you. The fear that flares in your eyes hurts worse than the steadily growing craving for a hit that I'm ignoring. Carefully, I slide my hand through your hair, stroking your bangs back.
Swallowing hard, you look down on me in determination. Your hands tighten, and then loosen just before they can create a bruise. "None of us were perfect. No one can be." Mouth tight, you take a deep breath before continuing. "I need you. I waited for you. But you never came. So I came after you. Now, you'll have to do something drastic to get rid of me." Your eyes are *naked*.
Not courageous. Not a leader. Right "I guess I'm stuck with you, then." I'll always have the guilt. No matter what you say, I was the hammer that shattered us all. I destroyed every last vestige of innocence in both Allura and Pidge. And I broke you, Sven, and Hunk into pieces. Nothing I can do can make up for any of it.
I don't deserve you. I have no right to even touch you. But... You need me. That stubbornness in your eyes -- you're not going to let me go.
And I don't have the strength left to fight against both you and my own needs.
****
Keith
I can relax now. You believe me, and you're letting me stay. That's enough, for now.
Pain twists your face; your hands clench down on me.
"Do you want --?
"Just hold me, please?" Your voice is breathless, pain ratcheting through you.
Twisting over, you dry-heave -- there's nothing in your body to throw up.
Wrapping myself around you, I use part of the blankets to wipe your face. Gently, I stroke your scalp, your back -- trying to soothe you without being irritating.
This is enough, to be with you.
****
Lance
No recriminations, just support and a calm question asking me if I want the drugs -- love twists through me, taking me higher in pain and joy than any drug ever did.
But you deserve the words. "If I have you, than I don't need anything else."
You freeze for a moment, before your hands continue their soothing caresses.
I smile, even as the cravings take control of my body and I convulse in your arms.
I'm safe here.
I'm alive.
~owari~
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